Growing As a Family

As most of you know, Toby joined our family Christmas week in 2005. Joshua by then had been with us for a year and a half and we felt confident and hopeful about adding to our family with another adoption from the California foster care system. The process went smoothly and much quicker than we anticipated, leaving us with little time to prepare Joshua, or ourselves, for this major transition.

18-month old Tobias bounded into our lives two days after Christmas -- talkative, sweet, irrespressible, rough-and-tumble Toby. As you can imagine, in his toddler way, he stole the show. He delighted in being the center of attention and showed not the least hesitation when introduced to new sights, people, and experiences. From the start, he assumed the whole world loved him.

In subtle ways, this experience was devastating for three-year old Joshua. More than the typical sibling struggle, Joshua truly felt displaced, perhaps even replaced. And this set our family on a rocky two-year journey that was easily one of the more difficult experiences we've encountered in our lives.

Eventually we hit a crisis point, triggered by Joshua's deep sense of loss and abandonment and the trauma he experienced as an infant prior to entering the foster care system. After months of struggle with Joshua, we began to recognize our own limits and began actively seeking outside help. We discovered it in the form of a local agency that specializes in adopted children and fostering the nurturing bond between parents and children.

We were on a waiting list for months and at last began weekly "Theraplay" sessions with Joshua, where we learned new ways of relating to one another in a playful, positive atmosphere. At the same time, at home we worked hard to meet Joshua's underlying needs for nurture and connection. Eventually (at the time, it seemed like forever) beneath the surface, some remarkable changes began to occur. Jochen and I received the gift of a new lens through which to view Joshua's rages, misbehavior, and defense mechanisms. And Joshua began to gain more confidence and to openly express his ambivalent feelings about having a little brother. From this flowed deeper bonding, more open conversations with our son, and even gritty self reflection on our own attachment histories.

Jochen and I believe this process refined us as parents and as people. It forced us to develop patience and understanding in situations where it didn't seem humanly possible, to recognize that on our own (despite our best efforts) we were powerless to change the situation, and, ultimately, to create a new paradigm for parenting. This is and was a dynamic process. One in which we’re still engaged and continually growing as individuals and as a family. The good news is that the difficult days have become difficult moments. Joshua is thriving; he openly displays affection and much of the time he manages to express his needs (when he's hungry, tired, needs a hug, etc.) before he falls apart. These are HUGE accomplishments, by the way.

At this point, there's little doubt in our minds that he's an amazing little boy and that God placed him in our lives for a purpose.